Friday, January 28, 2011

Hi, my name is Rock

As I get further and further into this thing, I'm realizing that I must have been a rock in a previous life. When I think of my perfect day, it involves sitting on the beach, a great dinner (with some sort of gout-causing dessert), and maybe a glass of wine while listening to music. Notice that in no part of my day does moving around quickly play a factor. Even in my "ok" daydream I don't imagine myself breaking a sweat jogging on the beach or playing a stimulating game of tennis. I could maybe accept a walk in a European city, but that doesn't count because I'd be going slow since I was touring a new place. Hello, my name is Rock.

The first couple weeks went well - I kept workout dates, ate healthy, and drank my water bottle at work despite having to use 5 minutes of my 25 minute lunch break to find a clean, hair-free bathroom - and that's not even counting the time it took to microwave my lunch since my bathroom break ensured me last place in the "nuking food" line. I didn't even let myself get annoyed that I had a constant need to go due to my new H2O intake.

Then came Week 3 and all the catch-up work from the students' week-long vacay due to snow day. I'm stressed out and jonesing for chocolate like a crack addict. The secretary announced doughnuts in the conference room and I broke out in a cold sweat and walked by 3 times unnecessarily just to watch people eat the little puffs of sticky icing heaven that I knew would secretly make my life that day better. To make matters worse, over the next three weeks I'm going to be majorly busy with work, which usually means I come up with every excuse imaginable to skip the gym and work the couch. Why can't I be one of those naturally active people that can smugly smile while saying, "My body just feels weird if I don't get in a good workout," or "I already had my breakfast, so I'm not hungry for a free donut"?

The gym has become this giant looming over me, creeping out from the corners of my guilty mind until I'm almost about to have the kind of meltdown that requires a nap and an aspirin. People keep telling me to "just get there" and it will be ok. Every time I hear that I want to scream a big "DUH!" in their direction and push them into something (which I know is not nice at all). "Just getting there" is the issue - if I could "just get there," I wouldn't be appeasing my guilty conscience by telling another person about my extreme lack of motivation. Granted, people are trying to be supportive and helpful, but it comes across like a too tight girdle - it's supportive, helpful, and rubs you raw. Though I consider myself a lover of truth, I love it in that angry hate way when it comes to my health.

In the meantime, I've been promising myself that this week will be better - I will be the more focused, driven, slightly-boarding-on-obsessive me that started out my journey. The guilt is driving me nuts; the pressure to perform after seeing my pictures in the paper is slightly consuming me, though not motivating enough for me to do something about it. I'm like a hamster melodramatically dying in front of the wheel of life, but I refuse to climb on it and spin. No matter how much I don't want to, I have to strip myself of my Rock identity and become Hi - my name is Healthy Me.


Anonymous said...

Hi Rock! I'm your long lost sister Pebble!

I completely understand where you're coming from with your hate/hate relationship with exercise. I always feel like such a huge bumbling clutz! Here I am, clutching the side rails of the treadmill for dear life, and I'm just walking quickly - and there's Miss Bouncy Ponytail, gliding like a gazelle across the treadmill. Which is going fast and is on an incline.

And then she picks up her water bottle and takes a delicate sip - mid-stride.

I tried that. Once.

BTW, treadmills can get a little slick when you dump a bottle of water on them.

So anyway, good luck - you've got lots of people rooting for you, and lots in the same boat that are following right along with you.

Good luck!

Mandy said...

Oh food people bring into work is the worst! It's always donuts and cake and so hard to ignore. Just remember that as happy as eating one will make you feel right now it's nothing compared to how good it will feel to reach your goals!You can do it! Love ya sis!

Jessica said...

You are doing great. I think you have to be a little obsessive compulsive to lose weight and keep it off. I totally believe in the water therapy, it cleanses your system, and does wonders for all part of your body. I really focused on drinking 2-4 quarts before my wedding and it really helped clear my skin, and helped get some weight off. Unfortunately for me I have kinda gotten in a slump with unhealthy eating all the time, drinking much less water, and no workouts/toning at all, and I have gained 25 lbs!...
You keep up what you are doing, the peeing sucks I know, and I will try to get back on track as well.
Keep writing and I will keep following!

Diana said...

I like your take on 'just get there.' I am looking at my treadmill right now, and I can't even get THERE, and it's four feet away. You are already motivating others to continue what they have started, so keep it up!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Missy,

Don't worry about people telling you to "Just get there". By doing what you are doing now, you are already there. Your motivation & dedication to things you put your mind to are strong, so stop being so hard on yourself.


Aunt Lin

Elisa said...

Missy we are SO alike! I understand your every pain. It's a constant battle but I find taking it not just one day at a time but one hour at a time. You can do it!

Anonymous said...

If you're a rock I must be a boulder! Reading your blog just makes me laugh and want to keep on trying. Everyone has a bad week. Brush it off and start new. You have a lot of people behind you! Remember rocks are strong.

Gina M

Anonymous said...

Just remember Rock:

The more the marble wastes, the more the statue grows.

Michelangelo di Lodovico Buonarroti Simoni (6 March 1475 – 18 February 1564),

Anonymous said...

I know the feeling! I agree with Elisa, just take it one hour at a time. I'm currently on my own weight loss journey, and have to fight the "chocolate anxiety attacks". Blue Bunny ice cream has something called "Sweet Freedom", and it's different kinds of ice cream treats that are very low in calories and sugar. My favorite is the klondite light bars...only 100 calories and 4g of sugar per bar. I look forward to having one of those each evening, and use those to fight my cravings during the day. Hope that helps! I wish you well!

Sugar Plum said...

I can be your workout buddy, if you need motivation. Bonus for you: you will be working out with someone who is in no shape at all!

Cory said...

I'd like to be your "workout buddy" too. Wink, wink.

Anonymous said...

It should be slightly-bordering on-obsessive, not the similar phrase you wrote.