Considering the middle finger excuse

Nancy Johnson

I got the news last week. My middle finger will take another three to four weeks before my fractured finger is totally healed. Seems I didn't know my strength when I slammed the door on it. Maybe I should have listened to my mother and daughter when they told me to drink more milk.

Once upon a time, I would have allowed this small, yet very annoying fracture to be an excuse for not exercising. Don’t get me wrong -- I am still searching for excuses. Yet in three more weeks I have another four more pounds to shed, and fat just won’t wait for my middle finger to heal. I have made a Dr. Seuss-like commitment to myself and to my daughter to win this battle of the bulge. So my nine good fingers will have to compensate for the one fractured.

I had my first meeting with the Siskey YMCA staff. Talk about energy! Talk about friendly! Talk about commitment! I am not yet liking the exercise Kool-Aid, but what a supportive group of people. Listening to them, I could envision myself enjoying the treadmill, the stationary bike and even the elliptical machine. (This is my Goliath).

Watch out for the nine-fingered bandit at the Siskey YMCA. I will be searching for your empathetic smiles.

Exercise, no matter the ouch

I can fly! Oops. No I can't. Ouch! Treading air is harder than it looks. I'm about to go outside and try a 6.5 mile walk this Monday morning. The morning after falling down the stairs in our house. After being laid off from my job, my wife and I were clearing out my office up in the upstairs bonus room. I was trying to carry about the millionth load of stuff down the stairs when all of a sudden the last step wasn't the last step. For a moment I was treading air with arms full of junk I shouldn't have been trying to carry. I fell into the laundry room floor. Head into door. Elbows into floor. Right knee into floor. Ribs into a portable drill that I broke (the drill, not my ribs). I'm bruised and sore but seem to be intact. How stupid can a person be? My life didn't flash before my eyes while falling that cumbersome two feet. However, one of the first things in my mind was "will I be able to exercise tomorrow?" I'm about to find out. I think I lucked out this time. I'm kind of proud though that my thoughts went to being able to exercise as one of my first concerns. Maybe the importance of this effort has become part of my inner being after all.

I'm also made aware of how fortunate I am at age 59 to be able to do my workouts. Not everyone is so blessed.

To my fellow overweight buddies out there trying to get into a habit of exercise I say: "Get up and get out there and do it!" Just don't be stupid about it.

Personal Trainers Speak In Tongues

I had my first meeting with Kristen, my personal trainer at the Y. Not only was she fun to be around and positively motivating, but she also didn't think I was weird, which is a bonus since I was Binging* all over the place. We started with the elliptical machine and I quickly realized that nice gyms have equipment with TVs attached to them! I hardly have time to watch my shows during the week, so this realization provided exercise inspiration in its own dysfunctional way. It's slightly sad that I have to fill out the application for payment assistance, but forget pride, give me the discount so I can virtual cycle and sweat while watching Maury!

As we rotated through the various machines, including one that looked kinda like a spider and made me feel like I was gliding on air, I began to sweat and didn't even realize I was working out. Kristen kept me focused on talking and as soon as I started to get that mind-numbing feeling, it was exercise-switch time and she would say something to make me laugh - very clever. I now understand why the rich and famous have personal trainers on their payroll - it's like having a Fit Genie that hangs around and makes you healthy. Exercise didn't seem so bad with Kristen - her voodoo was bewitching.

This meeting was also monumental because for the first time since I started this journey, an avid exerciser actually admitted that in order to find the time to truly commit to exercise, something has to give or be put on hold. Even though I don't know his name, I wanted to kiss this Siskey sage because he conceded the very thing that many exercise aficionados keep denying. Yeah, running at dawn before a breakfast of grains and walking till dusk is admirable, but is a messy house and a lessened dedication to work worth the priority of working out? This is what I've been trying to figure out, and thanks to Kristen and some technologically savvy treadmills, I may be welcoming exercise into my life after all...of course, I have to actually join the gym first.

* This is a reference to the character of Chandler Bing from Friends. Known for "his wise-cracks and sardonic attitude," I am similar to Chandler Bing in that I use humor at inappropriate moments as a defense mechanism.

I auditioned for The Biggest Loser?

Last weekend I "auditioned" for the TV show The Biggest Loser. After being contacted and lured with the promise of a VIP pass (I NEVER get VIP'd) and a $250,000 prize (I will NEVER have $250,000), I dragged my husband kicking and screaming to Nashville for a weekend away during which I'd "happen" to go to a casting call. Flash-forward through the long drive and yes, a slice of pizza on the road (I know...I deserve crucifixion), and my husband and I were lost in downtown Nashville looking for the Memorial Theater so I could get chosen to complete for mucho moola while exercising away all jiggles and shakes. After a few million circles, I finally voiced aloud that we needed to follow the tracks of the thicksets and find an area filled with fatties (thanks for this word Anonymeans).

We arrived to find a "large" line that was more like a square with no starting point; paunchy people of all ages, races, and creeds nervously munched on snickety-snacks and sat on tailgate chairs. Marching up to a kinda-official looking lady with a clipboard, I proudly handed in my VIP pass and was ushered inside to complete a brief questionnaire while being ordered around by young self-important people dressed in black. I immediately noticed everyone had on their personality pants - it was as if the large ladies waiting with me were walking billboards screaming, "Pick me! Look I'm witty, fun, and fat!" Hmm... My husband was immediately labeled a "supporter" and forced to vacate the area due to a lack of space.

Finally, we were counted off into the theater and told to take a seat at a table containing 15 chairs and 1 Brandon guy who stated his title with the gravity of Jesus. After a bunch of references to former contestants who were nowhere to be seen (Do you know Mark from Season 3? No, but Jesse from Season 7 just posted on You-tube...), I had to announce my name and proclaim that I was "flying solo" since I wasn't auditioning with a partner. I stated how much weight I wanted to lose and my reasons for this goal (a desire to stop having to patch the thighs of my favorite jeans worn thin by chub-rub and an alleviated fear of turnstiles).

As my table-mates took turns, I noticed that everyone not only had their 2-page survey containing questions like "How will your life change by losing weight?" (I will no longer get the food sweats), but they also had a spread of photo montages and an additional 14+ pages that I suspected contained even more you-have-no-life-now-cause-you're-fat questions.

After being told to "show our personalities", things really got interesting. An older woman sporting a fake ponytail and pimp-cane introduced herself as Valerie, which rhymes with calorie. Everyone seemed to really like "Calorie Valerie" and I silently cursed that Melissa rhymes with nothing but the rude word for pee. Then Dead at 30 talked about her 150 pound weight loss and subsequent realization that she didn't have it under control when she still had 100 pounds left to lose. Teary-eyed she breathlessly told Brandon/Jesus that most of her family members died in their 30s...and she turned 30 this year! Shaazaam! I began to hear violins as Angry-Mom, Deaf-Student, Girl with Mustache and Family Heart Disease, and Friends All Skinny each stated their fat-plague. When it got to me all I could mutter was that I eat too much and never exercise. I tried to mention the blog, but Angry-Mom jumped in when I paused to breathe.

Needless to say, I have no 15-minutes of fame in my future. I did, however, get a glimpse of how my excuses start the violins playing too. Of course, this didn't stop my husband and I from leaving the casting call to go listen to music and swig some beers. But it was lite beer and we walked miles around the city all day, so somehow I felt lucky that I've always made myself a life regardless of my pant size.

Detailing my SPEW workout

I've just started my Monday morning with a 3.25 mile walk/jog. My weekly weighin wasn't good. I didn't lose any weight. Looking at my exercise log I'm disappointed at first glance. I only did 9.7 miles walk/jog, 40 minutes biking and two of my SPEW (sit ups, push ups, exercise bike, weights) workouts. All these items are less than I had intended.

Some readers have wanted to know more about the nuts and bolts of exactly what I'm doing for exercise. Well, the figures about give you an indication. My SPEW workings include 3 sets of 40 push ups, 3 sets of 50 sit ups/crunches and I've just gone up in dumbell weight from a 22 pounder to a 30 pound piece of iron. I do curls and shoulder lifts and two directions of arm extension then using a lighter ten pound weight for straight arm extentions.

The basics though are supposed to be the walking/jogging/biking. I've got to get those exercises "up" a good bit.

My daughter's wedding is April 16. I have to get fitted for the tux before the end of March. I'd love to lose another 5 to 7 pounds before then.

I guess my spirit is still somewhat in mourning from being laid off from my job. I was thinking negatively about my less than expected exercise for last week. Then again, for a "bad" week, that still kicks the butt from my recent past. So, keep your chin up folks and I'll do the same. Listen to your body and be smart about increasing your exercise increments. We fat buddies cannot, however, allow the trend to go in the wrong direction. Gather your focus, gather your friends and family. Gather your wits but just don't gather moss from inactivity. Now get out there and move!!

What would you give up for a year to be thin?

Nancy Johnson

On February 23rd, comedian and radio host Steve Harvey poised a very interesting phone blast question, "What would you give up for a year to be thin?” As a person publicly struggling with my weight, I found this question to be very intriguing. There are many things that I am quite fond of, but what would I be willing to give up for an entire year to be thin?

Hmmmm.

I'd like to say that I'd be willing to give up my addiction for caffeine, but I would be telling you a HUGE lie. I am addicted to one particular form in a green diet bottle to be specific and not even the dream of being thin could break that addiction.

I'd like to say that I'd give up TV. Aside from the walking tapes, I could probably last a solid month. But I know I'd soon find an excuse to click on CNN or the weather channel as an excuse to turn on the tube. So, I don't think I'd last an entire year.

There is one thing that I think I could give up and probably should give up for a year -- fried foods. As a southern Yankee, fried foods were a staple growing up. Fried fish, fried chicken, French fries --you know the slogan – Gotta wanna needa getta hava. You get the drift.

Almost 20 years ago I gave up fried foods for almost of a year and was quite successful at losing weight. I lost weight the old fashion way -- eat less and work out twice a day. I know I am much older and now have a whole lot less free time, but ah, the memory of how good I looked and felt during this period makes me want to relive this pledge.

So Mr. Harvey, I will make every conscious effort to avoid and eventually eliminate all things battered and fried through the rest of 2011.

That is what I plan to give up in my quest to be thinner. What will YOU give up for a year to be thin? Post your comments. I really want to know! Don't be shy; you can post anonymously.

Inquiring minds wanna know.

Confession: My 55 excuses for avoiding the gym

My personal trainer contacted me and my first session will take place this week! In honor of my initiative to get a professional exerciser's help, I've decided to list every excuse I could possibly use to rationalize my avoidance of the gym. Siskey-Jennifer mentioned her nutrition group completed this exercise and it helped some of the members overcome their lack of gymotivation*. Yes, I made this word up; see my dictionary entry below.

* Gymotivation = (N) to have plenty of motivation for other things, but none for hard-core gym workouts. Usage - I am working on my gymotivation so I can eventually run a mile without stopping.

I have to admit that I surprised myself with my expert ability to make excuses. Is there a contest for this? I'm an olympian! Some excuses may seem familiar and others totally ridiculous (you're preaching to the choir), but this purge will hopefully result in a cleansed spirit and fresh perspective to just do it. Feel free to add anything I missed because if I can think of it, I will use it.

55 Reasons to Not Go To The Gym

1. I'm tired!

2. I'm hungry!

3. I have too much to do.

4. I don't have anything to do and finally have time to rest.

5. I just washed my hair and don't want to sweat.

6. I straightened my hair and (see above).

7. I'm having a good hair day and (yup, see above).

8. I have to grade papers.

9. I have to enter grades.

10. I have to figure out what I'm teaching tomorrow.

11. I have to make a test/quiz/project/PowerPoint for class tomorrow.

12. I have to do a million things for class tomorrow.

13. I have to do a million things period (notice the lack of detail).

14. I don't want to get up earlier than I absolutely have to (see Number 1)!

15. I don't want to stay up late (see Number 1)!

16. I really want to watch ________ (fill in the blank with bad shows that I love to hate).

17. I talked on the phone too long with my mom/sister/aunt/friend etc. and now I have to get going and do stuff!

18. I have to do laundry.

19. I have to vacuum.

20. I have to clean the whole house - especially the bathrooms - what if someone stops by and needs to use the loo?! It could happen!

21. It's nice outside.

22. It's not nice outside - who wants to go out in this?!

23. I have to make dinner or I will end up eating late and sleeping on a full stomach that will induce nightmares.

24. I just ate dinner - I can't go now - remember the swimming rule?!

25. I need to relax.

26. I have to pee and don't want to use the bathroom at the gym (eww, sweaty).

27. I have to feed the dogs - what if they starve and decide to eat the couch?

28. There's too much traffic!

29. My feet hurt.

30. My head hurts.

31. I had a bad day.

32. I had a good day.

33. We have no food in the house - I should go shopping instead.

34. We have food in the house - I should make a fancy meal and use recipes!

35. I have to write my blog.

36. I have to see my husband - we should probably talk about something.

37. I want to read my book - I'm an English teacher for God's sake!

38. Alright, I'm going (but secretly I know that I will procrastinate until whoever is bugging me gives up or forgets what I'm supposed to be doing).

39. I had a long day. * Sigh *

40. I just don't feel like it (again, lack of detail). * Angry sigh *

41. I'm so stressed out. * Frustrated sigh *

42. Let's watch a movie instead!

43. The dogs have been all alone all day and now I'm going to leave them again? So unfair.

44. Oops, I forgot my gym clothes (secret smile).

45. I forgot my socks and working out without socks is begging for a Blisterama (serious face).

46. I'm going to start tomorrow.

57. I'm going to start Monday.

48. I'm going to wait until the weekend.

49. During the summer I will have a ton of time to workout - why stress myself out about it now?

50. Once work calms down I'll have a schedule I'll stick to (even I don't believe this one).

51. I need a workout buddy.

52. I don't want to workout with anyone else!

53. I have tutoring/a meeting/an appointment/plans after school.

54. I'll workout at home.

55. I don't want to workout at home.

No, I'm really going. Really.