Last weekend I "auditioned" for the TV show The Biggest Loser. After being contacted and lured with the promise of a VIP pass (I NEVER get VIP'd) and a $250,000 prize (I will NEVER have $250,000), I dragged my husband kicking and screaming to Nashville for a weekend away during which I'd "happen" to go to a casting call. Flash-forward through the long drive and yes, a slice of pizza on the road (I know...I deserve crucifixion), and my husband and I were lost in downtown Nashville looking for the Memorial Theater so I could get chosen to complete for mucho moola while exercising away all jiggles and shakes. After a few million circles, I finally voiced aloud that we needed to follow the tracks of the thicksets and find an area filled with fatties (thanks for this word Anonymeans).
We arrived to find a "large" line that was more like a square with no starting point; paunchy people of all ages, races, and creeds nervously munched on snickety-snacks and sat on tailgate chairs. Marching up to a kinda-official looking lady with a clipboard, I proudly handed in my VIP pass and was ushered inside to complete a brief questionnaire while being ordered around by young self-important people dressed in black. I immediately noticed everyone had on their personality pants - it was as if the large ladies waiting with me were walking billboards screaming, "Pick me! Look I'm witty, fun, and fat!" Hmm... My husband was immediately labeled a "supporter" and forced to vacate the area due to a lack of space.
Finally, we were counted off into the theater and told to take a seat at a table containing 15 chairs and 1 Brandon guy who stated his title with the gravity of Jesus. After a bunch of references to former contestants who were nowhere to be seen (Do you know Mark from Season 3? No, but Jesse from Season 7 just posted on You-tube...), I had to announce my name and proclaim that I was "flying solo" since I wasn't auditioning with a partner. I stated how much weight I wanted to lose and my reasons for this goal (a desire to stop having to patch the thighs of my favorite jeans worn thin by chub-rub and an alleviated fear of turnstiles).
As my table-mates took turns, I noticed that everyone not only had their 2-page survey containing questions like "How will your life change by losing weight?" (I will no longer get the food sweats), but they also had a spread of photo montages and an additional 14+ pages that I suspected contained even more you-have-no-life-now-cause-you're-fat questions.
After being told to "show our personalities", things really got interesting. An older woman sporting a fake ponytail and pimp-cane introduced herself as Valerie, which rhymes with calorie. Everyone seemed to really like "Calorie Valerie" and I silently cursed that Melissa rhymes with nothing but the rude word for pee. Then Dead at 30 talked about her 150 pound weight loss and subsequent realization that she didn't have it under control when she still had 100 pounds left to lose. Teary-eyed she breathlessly told Brandon/Jesus that most of her family members died in their 30s...and she turned 30 this year! Shaazaam! I began to hear violins as Angry-Mom, Deaf-Student, Girl with Mustache and Family Heart Disease, and Friends All Skinny each stated their fat-plague. When it got to me all I could mutter was that I eat too much and never exercise. I tried to mention the blog, but Angry-Mom jumped in when I paused to breathe.
Needless to say, I have no 15-minutes of fame in my future. I did, however, get a glimpse of how my excuses start the violins playing too. Of course, this didn't stop my husband and I from leaving the casting call to go listen to music and swig some beers. But it was lite beer and we walked miles around the city all day, so somehow I felt lucky that I've always made myself a life regardless of my pant size.
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15 comments:
Shucks for not making onto the TV show. It sounds like you had a hoot of an experience though :)
I think it is a sad state of affairs where getting ticket on a fat show produces lottery-like induced hysteria.
Count yourself lucky you didn't get on this show. It is a TV show. Those contestants work-out 6+ hours a day. Yes, they drop enormous weight but long term the results are very poor for them.
You need to get out of the mentality that you have to travel hundreds of miles and subject yourself to humiliation to lose weight. Everything you need to know and do is right in front of you.
It also bothers me that you blog about all your set backs but none of your successes. You simply can't continue to have major lapses (pizza and beerS) and expect to lose weight.
You wrote a list of all the excuses for not going to the gym. This weekend write down a list of all the things you will not be able to do if you continue to be obese. #1 will be "live past the age of 70" most likely. Time to get serious, you can do it.
I enjoyed your article immensely! You have a very entertaining and witty writing style. Don't worry about "The Biggest Loser." I think you may have a better future as a writer. Best of luck to you!
They should rename the show
Fat people crying, because all they do is cry.
All the positive comments you receive are wonderful. I applaud you making your struggle a public story. However, your well wishes and good intentions arent going to do the work for you.....Personally, I burn very few calories during my 8-6 M-F office job. Despite this, and a VERY hectic lifestyle, I am able to work out 5-6 days a week AND EAT HEALTHY. No justifying beer and pizza "set-backs". I work my tail off, and I am very proud of being physically fit. The idea that you want The Biggest Loser to (help) do the work for you, or that you somehow "deserve" to be skinny is almost offensive. Here's to all of the other people out there who are living a healthy and enjoyable life without a blog or constant positive re-enforcement.
Matt
Thank you for that article! It has made me laugh because, I too, give people names like that. And I will just be in the Harris Teeter! Plus, while at the Teeter I can pick up some tasty beers and frozen pizzas. Thanks for a Friday afternoon pick-me-up!
@ Matt - I have to agree and applaud you for telling it like it is. Well wishes don't do squat in the gym.
So, fat peeps give other fat peeps nicknames. To me, you are all just fat. Or, to cardiologists, you are just future paychecks.
This made me laugh so hard. You sound like a down-to-earth person, and a happy person. Also sounds like the try-outs got you more motivated to lose weight with no excuses now. I would have needed a few beers myself after sitting though what you did!!
I don't care what anyone else says. Under different circumstances in a parallel universe, you would be my favorite mistake.
Guess what, "Matt"? You're still gonna die. And with only a marginally better life expectancy, if you're lucky.
Rocky - you decide then. Your last 15-20 years active, healthy and you capable of doing most anything you want. Or, your last 15-20 year immobile, on handfulls of medication, and unable to participate in life. It's not just about living longer. It is also about quality of life.
Racky (Rocky) from Ranlo....that says it all.
Anon 3:20.
Funny, but I was going to say the same thing.
Fat People Crying is exactly what I call the show when I see my wife watching it on TV.
I've been calling it that for years and think it is one of the most pathetic shows I've ever seen because the people on it just seem so miserable and self-absorbed.
So what's next, people who are desperate for plastic surgery?
It is Fatsploitation at its finest.
@Anon 8:07am:
Regarding your comment about a show for plastic surgery, one actually already exists. Have you seen adverts for the show "Bridalplasty" on E!?
Brides-to-be compete for plastic surgeries for things they want fixed about themselves and, when someone gets voted off, a cold voice tells them something like, "You're still going to get married, but your wedding won't be perfect."
LOL.
Back to Melissa, I agree wholeheartedly with what Anon 9:13am said.
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